I had a series of brutally realistic, intimate flashback dreams about an old flame last night and I am genuinely fucking annoyed.
I have no room for that shit in my head and frankly, I don’t have the time to stop and feel heartbroken and pitiful anymore.
It genuinely embarrasses me that I am even dreaming about him. Haven’t I moved well beyond this? How much time and energy needs to pass before my subconscious lets it go?
Maybe I need to make myself a dream catcher…
sometimes i feel like i need to just scream and send out a shockwave of energy which would rustle all the leaves on the plants around me and crack the drywall leaving dust in the air when i think about my past in perspective, sometimes it shocks me, stops the breath in my chest that i am alive and moving and wonder if i even am. i always imagined myself to be a husk from one point onward and for a long time i was and i wonder if i still am. deep within my beautiful, glowing, peaceful flesh there is a cavern of dry bones tied together into tiny crosses to mark my so incredible loss.
the thing that freezes my blood in my veins, that pauses and dries the organic world, that causes me to BURST into laughter at the sheer absurdity of it all - is that i am the only one whos blood freezes, whos world dries, whos breath is caught in her lungs.
how am i living at all?
how am i, years later, blood still freezing at the thought, living?
I managed to enjoy the sunshine for a whole 10 minutes before crawling back into my dark, quiet house to ride out this toothache/cold.
#toothache #wisdomteethareevil #sunshine #herecomestheNOPE #allblackeverything #gothicsummer
this is important information, folks